I spent Day 1 of Black History Month watching 30 Rock and LIKING tracy morgan’s performance. I feel this counts as my first good deed of said month and accrues toward my personal reparation in honor of black histories everywhere.

Later this year I’ll revel at Jane Krakowski during Mediocre Blonde Women History Month, laugh at Jack McBrayer during One-Trick Pony History Month, and then sit through the episodes of 30 Rock with Salma Hayek forcibly enjoying her acting talent rather than her rack during Mexican History Month.

Dramatic irony indeed! Days after CNN reported Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins as one of the Hollywood couples that could make it last and last… rumors have started popping up that the two are splitsville. The question on everyone’s mind : “If it can’t work for those two people I have no personal or emotional tie with besides seeing them in some good and bad movies, then who can it work for?” Well, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman for one. So get yourself a chubby l’il fella or raspy voiced gal and make it last.

ME : if it weren’t socially unacceptable i think i could eat gravy like soup
NOT ME : yes, i could do that if mashed potatoes were involved
ME : i don’t even need them. and besides – then you’d be eating mashed potatoes with gravy which is very acceptible
NOT ME : not if you make a soup out of it
ME : eh, i dunno. i was just eating gravy out of a cup.

I love that this is what i have been up to in the fake real world of Facebook

1. i got a tetanus shot
2. my arm hurts
3. my doctor’s office lost my pee
4. in a hurry to get my scooter on my lunch break i left my iPod in my car
5. some crazy bum stole 2 pairs of gloves, a tuch, and random other shit from inside my scooter seat (thank you broken lock courtesy of scooter repair shop)
6. my passenger window got smashed and i am now one iPod Touch poorer (see #4)
7. upon discovering the broken window it started raining
8. i forgot to eat lunch
9. the pizza joint i went to for dinner forgot all about my slice
10. i saw comedy burlesque (boobs AND laughter)
11. upon arriving to DJ at the Ballroom this evening, my headphones broke
12. some girl – we’ll call her some drunk skank – kept yelling at me to play Timbaland
13. i am pretty positive hookers were at the Ballroom
14. that same drunk skank yelled at me for being a liar after politely asking her to let go of my arm cause it’s swoll with tetanus pain
    • (p.s. this is how NOT to get songs you request played)
    • this is also how to get me to tell everyone i see about you thereby beginning a chain reaction of people jokingly yelling for Timbaland all night
15. same drunk skank threw a tantrum insisting that the drink i was just handed seconds ago was hers
    • this is how drunk skanks get bounced
16. eyewitnesses reported that our favorite drunk skank wound up in the bathroom crying
17. i smiled

so… the balloon boy is safe. whoopee! Like all news stories that grab a nation’s attention with a sense of “oh that poor child in the well” commentary, the boy was safe and sound at home… the last place anyone looked apparently since it took 2 hours. Well, I for one am already penning the made-for-tv movie version and have decided to follow the not-so-harrowing tale exactly; but it’s punched up a little with creative liberties and for dramatic purpose towards the end.

You see, the balloon boy (whose birthday it is) actually falls out of the balloon. As he is whipping through the air he prays for a birthday miracle… just then a winged pegasus-type creature swoops in as the boy is falling through the air. When the mythical beast gets close enough to the boy to save him, it …opens its mouth revealing rows and rows of gnarly fangs and devours the boy mid air but not before tossing it about like a cat with a wounded mouse.

I think I will sell it to A&E and call it “The Birthday Miracle.”

my therapist found this kitten and offered it to me cause she thinks i’d make a cool parent for it..
should i adopt it?

I’m actually considering it. Only thing I’m worried about is kitten + records = scratching post party!

when trying to give an example of a word i couldn’t find this morning i stated :
it’s used to describe a mad scientists methods or the methods of a scientist gone mad

yup. those are the same.
also the word was unconventional. wow, that was easy.
thank you early morning brain.

it’s 8am in vancouver. i have been sleeping on an air mattress that has a slow leak. i haven’t woken up after 7 am once since i got here. i am eating gummi bears for breakfast.
things could be worse.

A – Age: 33
B – Bed size: Double (oh i mis the luxury of a queen)
C – Chore you hate: picking up my piles of piles and putting them away
D – Dad’s Name: Wolfgang
E – Essential start your day item: Pee
F – Favorite actor(s):
Billy Bob Thornton playing the foul-mouthed drunk that hates kids, Morgan Freeman playing the wise old black man, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, or Jack Black trying to be funny, Jennifer Coolidge playing a big breasted bimbo, Julia Roberts playing the all around great gal with the loud laugh, Tommy Lee Jones playing the cranky retired Texas ranger, Chris Rock in ANYTHING, Will Ferrell doing whatever it is that he does in every movie he is in, Vince Vaughn playing the chubbier version of his Swingers role, Owen Wilson in any movie not directed by Wes Anderson, Keanu Reeves playing a wise, lone hero that only speaks 3 words of dialogue, and Tom Cruise playing the all around great guy that rises to the occasion or solves the crime or saves the day or falls in love or makes the right decision in the end or anything else for that matter because I love lunatics.
G – Gold or Silver: Teef = Sliver. Jewry = Gold.
H – Height: 5’4″
I – Instruments you play(ed): The Piaaaaaaaaaaano (To be said like Anna Paquin in movie of same title)
J – Job title: Professional Jackass
K – Kid(s): hell no.
L – Living arrangements: top floor.
M – Mom’s name: Marleen
N – Nicknames: Baby Courageous, Renzo in the Benzo, DJ nene, big r, little mac, l’il hitler (i think he was an our gang character)
O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: Not that I remember.
P – Pet Peeve: getting the shopping cart with the WOBBBBBBLLY WHEEEEEL
Q – Quotes you like: WHAZZZZZZZZZZZUP!?
R – Right or left handed: right.
S – Siblings: one younger sister
T – Time you wake up: too early now that i have a real job again.
U- Underwear: boxer briefs
V – Vegetable you dislike: Brussel Sprouts.
W – Ways you run late: Always on time.
X- X-rays you’ve had: none. Have had my share of MRIs and one delightful arteriogram.
Y – Yummy food you make: Eggplant Parmesan passed down to me from an Italian grandmother. The secret is forever safe with me.
Z- zodiac sign? Scorpio through and through.