I went to Home Depot today and spent about an hour wandering around trying to find stuff. I did this having forgot to put my contacts in which means all I really saw were blurry walls stacked with blurry things all labeled with blurry signs. It was futile really. After some aimless meandering, I wised up and went to find help. I was led to someone I was led to believe was the man for the job. This was the last thing the Customer Service gal said to me before dropping me off. “Go easy on him. He’s new. He probably doesn’t know how to help you.” The customer the new guy is wrapping coil for asks me what I was looking to do. I explain it in great detail and he’s following along. I get to the end and he says, “Man, I’m not an electrician. I really wouldn’t know what to do.” Well, thanks for lending an ear pal. As if just getting it off my chest would help. The new guy finishes up the coil, cuts it, and turns to me as I am about to walk away and asks if I wanted his help. oh thank god. A glimmer of hope. I ask, “Oh, you heard what my situation is, right.” Nope. So I go through the whole spiel again. There’s what seems like a moment where maybe some gears are turning. New guy goes blank. I thank him and decide to go back to the electrical section to see if there are any blurs wearing orange.
A-HA! There is. Only he is helping an old man find a florescent bulb.
This can’t take long…
OLD MAN : It’s 20 or 24.
ORANGE BLUR : 20 or 24?
OLD MAN : Yes.
ORANGE BLUR : Hmmm, Let’s see.
OLD MAN : It’s 20 or 24.
ORANGE BLUR : Hmmm. Let’s see. Sir, what was it again?
OLD MAN : It’s 20 or 24.
This goes on at a painfully slow pace for what seems like 15 years of my life. Each word coming out of the old man’s mouth could have very well been his dying breath. And the home depot man spoke at an even slower and more deliberate pace to ensure oldy got it all. After a few minutes of who’s on first, it turns out it isn’t the wattage of the bulb but the length the old man was talking about. Back to square one. The hunt for the bulb begins anew. After the search gets underway, the old man pulls a flashlight out of his pocket and begins explaining that he also needs a bulb for it.
OLD MAN : Mumble mimble. Flashlight bulb. Mumble mumble.
ORANGE BLUR : Maybe it’s. MAY-BE-IT-IS-EL-CHEAP-O. NO-WORK-NO-MORE
OLD MAN : The batteries are new
ORANGE BLUR : YOU-GOT-EL-CHEAP-O.
OLD MAN : The batteries are new.
This too goes on for an eternity.

I am truly convinced that this experience is what the 7th circle of hell must be.

Just when you thought Steve Martin had the family comedy complete with hilarious situations and funny faces and hip slang market all to himself comes RV . you show him Robin Williams. Show Steve Martin that he’s not the only once funny man now making tired movies the whole family can enjoy. You show him “Dawg”.

Oh yeh, it also has Will Arnett. And Tony Hale.
Way to ruin what few comedic actors there are today Mr. Sonnenfeld.

Step #41 : Do not eat a gyro before going to bed.

I got an email the other day from Arlene. She wanted to know the following.

“Do you like attractive Bitch doing splendiferous blowjobb?”

Now, I like blowjobs. And I’ve had a fair share of them. But a Bitch(with a capital “B”) doing it splendiferously? Now that, Arlene, is something not many men can say they have experienced. Your targeted email campaign has definitely hit the mark. Kudos.
But rather than hop on the splendiferous blowjob train right away, I think I will instead steal your thunder and go by the moniker DJ Splendiferous Blowjobb.

Deepthroat Dance Party featuring DJ Splendiferous Blowjobb.
Now that has a ring to it.

*thanks again to ladydehumidifier for pointing out the obvious to the oblivious

There’s something about Temple Of The Dog following a Death Cab For Cutie song on the radio that puts it all into perspective.

Are Maria Bello and Naomi Watts in some unspoken competition to see who can have the most parts with graphic sex scenes?

is it still pointing if the person has li’l stubbies for fingers?