Tuesday.
first we met up with folks for some brunch. Ineveitably the table was a twitter with very intense debates on the art of comedy mime.

Tuesday night was to be semi-formal night. So Amber and I went thrifting to find some duds. I wound up trying on prom dresses.

First up was a little pink number. Nothing too frilly or fancy. it seemed to fit ok.

Next was another pink dress. This one a little frillier than the last. What with that bow and those poofy arms.

I then moved on to a couple black dresses.

This simple black dress was the favorite among the ladies working at the thrift store.

In the end I felt it best not to blow money on a prom dress and instead wear the suit I brought with me. When I arrived at the venue, my friend kayla greeted me.

Upon seeing me in my suit told me that she was worried that she was too dressed down. But then thought to herself, “Surely Rene won’t make an effort at all…but here I stood so beautifully dressed.”

The show that evening was a blind date show. Everyone got numbers and when your number was called, you would perform with the person who had that same number. In theory having never performed with them before. There were a couple “Speed Date” rounds where one speed dater would do 5 1-minute scenes with 5 different speed datees.
I was one of those speed daters.

Also, Amber and I discovered huge cans of Rockstar that ALREADY HAVE VODKA IN THEM. So, yeh, I’ll be rocking those a lot. Because I haven’t found Sparks.

9 am : Pre flight Bloody Mary.

I was sitting on the flight to Toronto drinking another bloody mary and reading Roald Dahl (Thank You). The guy next to me coughed all over me. Shortly thereafter he got up and moved seats. Thank freakin God. Also, I noticed the guy across the aisle from me was sipping an Apple Juice and studying How To Win Any Argument.

Amber and I were met by two of the most excited and friendly girls ever.

Their level of pumpedness for the festival was unparalleled. They even made this poster to greet us with.

On the way back from the gate I thought I accidentally touched one of the girls’ boobs and then almost fell down the escalator with my luggage. Thankfully I didn’t inadvertently grope her.

This awesome child care place is down the street from where we are staying.

The venue for the festival is brand new.

It’s called Comedy Bar. And will be dedicated to – yes, you guessed it – comedy. It’s really great. It was not entirely finished but what they had done already looked amazing.

I ditched out of watching the 2nd show and instead drank a beer.

3 more shows to go…

After 3 trips to the chiropractor the current situation is a displaced ribhead in the T5 – T7 area of my back. I’m to go easy on my back… Which will be impossible considering I have 2 shows in a row tonight. So that’s 4 sets of barrel rolls times 2. 3 sets of throwing myself on the ground times 2. 40 minutes of prancing times 2. then I do it one last time tomorrow before frantically packing for a month and a half away. First stop : Toronto. The ProjectProject Combustion Festival.

It is The Doug Dank Project’s first time at a festival.

Amber and I are representin’. So hopefully we’ll, you know, be funny. We have shows Tuesday through Saturday. And I have 2 showcases of The Saturday Morning Pajama Jam. A festival slot and a late night one.

I’m also meeting up with Alistair and hitting the road after the festival to tour across Canada.

Regina. Winnipeg. Calgary. Edmonton. Vancouver. IMPROV TOUR! Again my fingers are crossed that I’ll be funny. Or at least entertaining. The show in Regina (Yes. It sounds like Vagina.) is in a 250 seat, sold out theater. Intimidated much? But I have a week until then.

My x-rays are totally inconclusive. Apparently ribs are damn near impossible to x-ray. I found out I have a slight curvature in my spine though. But that comes as no surprise. A few car accidents will probably do that to a guy.
After a few pokes and prods it was diagnosed that there is a good chance I didn’t break/fracture anything. And even if I did, it’s probably on the mend now. This was determined because I didn’t scream bloody murder when the chiropractor applied sizable pressure to the area in question. She tried adjusting me in a couple places and soon learned the magic that is my brick hard back and neck. She asked if I would relax, I told her, “that is relaxed.” It surprised her that I would be so incredibly stiff cause I’m such a laid back type of guy. Welcome to my world. I explained how I’ve dumbfounded every massage therapist I’ve been to.
So now I have 2 days off from the show in hopes that I’ll get a little better only to start dancing, prancing, falling, rolling, and in general start fucking with it again on Thursday.

So, since I have no awesome bone x-ray photos, I will instead share my awesomely banged up knee care of Schreibstuck.

ADDENDUM : A clarification – I would kick these people in the junk today. Not let’s say circa:awesome

Mike Myers in the early 90’s – no junk kick
Mike Myers in The Love Guru – HIYYYYYYAAAAH

Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction or that hilarious Don’t Fear The Reaper Sketch or The Heat Is On short – no junk kick…John C. Reilly in Boogie Nights – no kick
Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly in Step Brothers – JUNK KICK!

Steve Coogan in Knowing Me Knowing You or 24 Hour Party People – nope. junk spared,
Steve Coogan in Hamlet 2 – gets brained

Ben Stiller circa Ben Stiller Show, Heavyweights, hell, I’ll even throw Dodgeball in there…though you get a warning for some of that. Jack Black circa HBO Tenacious D, High Fidelity, Heat vision and Jack – hell anything he was fat in…cleared
Ben Stiller & Jack Black in Tropic Thunder – KICK!!
(Robert Downey Jr.’s junk is spared in this production for making the brave choice to do blackface.)

Anna Farris in original Scary Movie or Lost In Translation – barely escapes cooz kick
Anna Farris in The House Bunny – I’m sorry I have to do this to you but I’m afraid you are gonna get kicked in the va-j.

So, I guess jumping as high as you can up in the air and landing on your back on a cement-like floor can cause a bit of damage. Right now the popular “hey i don’t know anything about bones” opinion is that I popped a rib out of whack. YES! At least it doesn’t seem broken or shattered. Best part – this happened like 3 weeks ago. So I’ve been rehearsing and now performing a dance show complete with daring physical feats with a jacked back.
Don’t worry faithful readers. It’s not debilitating or anything. It only hurts when I inhale.
I get to go to the chiropractor tomorrow afternoon for x-rays and hopefully get it popped back into place! Look for pictures of that shit to follow…

I went to the auto club and was rolled into the showroom. Someone put a manifold on me. I couldn’t see anything. My air filter was clogged and i could barely catch my breath. The sounds. The smells. I felt an oil slick…I knew she hadn’t been ridden in a while. I made my way over and she began adjusting my ball bearings. While she was fiddling with my ball bearings I decided to strut mount her. I began driving my crank shaft in and out. Forward. Reverse. Forward. Reverse. My gears were greased. The windows were fogging and she kept wiping the moisture of her windshield. The next thing i knew I was sprayed with tranny fluid…

I’m sure there is something I could – or better yet SHOULD – be doing. But instead I’m sitting around eating stale Trader Joe’s brand Honey Nut Cheerios. They are called Trader Joe’s Honey Nut O’s but I think they should be called Honey Nut J’O’s.

What’s worse than a Disney movie? Chihuahuas. What’s worse than a chihuahua? Many of them. What’s worse than a horde of chihuahuas? A Disney movie that stars chihuahuas that rap and sing in the trailer.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Yeh, someone got paid for that title.

This is an old Grandaddy video I forgot about. I found it when I aborted a Manwich making excursion as a result of my can of mansauce being a year old and a lot thicker than it should be.

Little kids impersonating adults always equals adorable.