CNN HEADLINE : Some fear atom-smasher may swallow Earth

–my 2 favorite things. Atom smashers and earth swallowing predictions. END OF DAYS!
According to the article, “The most powerful atom-smasher ever built could make some bizarre discoveries, such as invisible matter or extra dimensions in space, after it is switched on in August. But some critics fear the Large Hadron Collider could exceed physicists’ wildest conjectures: Will it spawn a black hole that could swallow Earth? Or spit out particles that could turn the planet into a hot dead clump?”

– OK. Those are not the best side-effects of an experiment. Couldn’t the earth just get dry-mouth and painful stools?
“‘Obviously, the world will not end when the LHC switches on,’ said project leader Lyn Evans.”
– Thank you project leader. I’m sure you have NO bias on the situation.
“David Francis, a physicist on the collider’s huge ATLAS particle detector, smiled when asked whether he worried about black holes and hypothetical killer particles known as strangelets.
‘If I thought that this was going to happen, I would be well away from here,’ he said.”
– at least David found it amusing. Myself, I could really only get a little further in the article before my brain started hurting. Micro Black Holes are one of the Doomsday scenarios proposed. But those just sound so adorable.
The article ends thusly
“The leafy campus of CERN, a short drive from the shores of Lake Geneva, hardly seems like ground zero for doomsday. And locals don’t seem overly concerned. Thousands attended an open house here this spring.”
– Ah, since the campus is so pretty and there was just an open house it would be impossible for anything bad to happen. Nothing could possibly go wronog. This is EXACTLY how every bad situation starts!

Dear Scientists.
Your weeners are plenty big. Please stop overcompensating.

The other day Matt and I were waiting to get some Dogs. Well, Matt was. They were out of veggie dogs.

I think they know i want to replace them.

They keep untying on me – more than usual – like every few minutes. And every day something more is busted with them. I think they are taunting my neurotic indecisive shoe shopping.
I hate needing new shoes. Though yesterday i found some choice teeshirts at a thrift store.
There’s still a monster living in my chest that refuses to leave. Cough hack wheeze.

This is how I have been living for the last 10 days….

…4 more to go!
They actually just remodelled and updated all the bathrooms. The rooms still leave much to be desired. But the bathrooms now have water conserving toilets. In case you don’t know how to use them they come with instructions.

We had two days off – Sunday and Monday – which I actually spent working. C.R.E.A.M. But yesterday Matt and I headed to the West Ed for our traditional game of blackjack at the casino in the mall. I’ve played blackjack a handful of times. Every time I play I at least double up. My time was up. It was my turn to have my ass handed to me. This is what 2 boys look like after losing 200 bucks each.

Since we didn’t win enough money (or any) to go shoot guns, Matt and I decided we hadn’t earned it. What we had earned was a shave and a haircut. I got the locks shorn off by a professional this time so no uneven areas. Matt went with a cut and a hot shave with a straight razor. I’ve had them a few times. It rules. If you get the chance, go get one. I am a little too attached to the facial fuzz at the moment to have gotten one.

there have been less “planned” socail outings this year, but each year there’s a game that infiltrates Improvaganza. A game that all the improvisors wind up playing. Last year we spent our late nights rocking Catan in the Hostel Kitchen. This year,it’s Yahtzee.

Almost like clockwork, each night we all hit a bar and a group will bust out some dice and start rollin’.

It’s better than talking about improv for hours after watching 2 shows.

DEMAND : Shake it baby!
REPLY : No. No. you can kill a baby if you shake it.

Today and tomorrow are our days off. Today is a rainy day. We are BBQing out at the estate de Karen. Last Year Matt Horgan broke his clavicle jumping her kid’s ATV. This year, it is locked up. Last night was our 2nd (and possibly final) match against the team from Slovenia. I chose to go the classy route with my attire.

Hostel pillows leave a lot to be desired, so Matt and I went pillow shopping.

After a variety of tests, Matt decided on this one. Then realized something…

The nights usually end with the descent into the dungeon at the theatre.

I left Vancouver on Sunday afternoon.

My flight was delayed so I spent my time drinking beers and bloody marys at the airport bar. Improvaganza didn’t start until last night so it was a lonely 3 days in a hostel. My first night there I had a roomie but he checked out the next morning.

Beer. Check.
Lush Shampoo. Check.
Shades. Check.
Delicious Miso Soup. Check.
Power Band. Check.

This year there is a set for the festivities. Fancy.

The Improvaganza lasts 10 days. There are 12 teams this year.
After last night’s show Lee, Matt, and myself went drinking at a bar that hosts karaoke called Rosie’s. they had Long Island Ice Teas on special for 2.99. This turned out to actually be a shot of something called Long Island Mix and Coke. I thinnk the bartender also put Melon Liquer in it. It was heinous. mark Meer joined us later and informed me that the “Torso Killer” used to be a dishwasher at Rosie’s. He wasn’t a serial killer, he just cut up some girl and left her torso in a suitcase in Hirlac Park. Some kids found it.
Matt busted out some classic CCR.

There was a guy there that went by Mr. Patsy who sang the most dead on “Crazy” by Patsy Cline we had ever heard.

Even I was in the rotation.

Matt Horgan’s bag was lost. He flew United. This is the 2nd time in as many weeks that United lost a bag. Mental Note : Don’t fly United.

Tonight is our first match. Against The Pajama Men.

My whole life is like a picture of a sunny day.

Vancouver was a blast. Filled with show after show after show.
Got to stay in Alistair’s amazing house again.

Monday night I played at Urban Improv. Louie, Taz, and I jumped into the 2nd half jam. I was still a little woozy from the weekend in Edmonton and the 11 hour drive to Vancouver. Amazing how tiring a drive can be even when you aren’t actually driving. Tuesday Louie, Taz, and I played a show called Bronx Cheer. Another jam show in a bar. We warmed up in the green room (READ : Outside behind the place). About 5 minutes in we heard a loud thud coming from a cardboard box and realized we were actually warming up next to a bum’s home.

Afterwards we all went to a crossdressing dance party. Crossdressing AND dancing. I should have been amped, but alas I was without a dress and all the music that was played were bad 70’s and 90’s club classics. I did manage to make a friend along the way though.

Wednesday night another fun show. I met KTMO’s doppleganger there.

Thursday night was mine and Alistair’s last performance as a touring comedy duo.

Highlights from the show include a door to door salesman carrying a bindle of grandfather clocks falling in love with an 80 year old woman and her lemonade. An extreme kayaker and his father who swore never to kayak again after his arm was ripped off by a shark. A vile of black hole that rips apart time and space. A cow’s last moments on a farm before being taken to the slaughterhouse gets the inspiration from his wisecracking eddie murphy voiced best friend to run away. Hollywood California – On the set of the action film “A Man And His Robot 3″. The stadium is under siege by the Portuguese and their squids. The man confronts his fear of squids and does away with the Portuguese single handedly. The door to door salesman and old lady ride away on a giant inflatable heart.
My last day in Vancouver was spent the way every last day in a city should.

ON A GO CART!
Since I’m still rocking a displaced ribhead and am constantly drunk, I decided to ignore the warnings and go ahead and get my helmet.

I then barely passed height regulations

And grabbed my cart. USA! USA! USA!

The first couple trips around the track were a blast.

But 20 minutes of going round and round in circles got pretty monotonous. We all agreed that next time we should do it on a weekday when the place isn’t overrun by 10 year olds that can’t drive.

And now, I’m killing time in Edmonton having arrived 3 days early for Improvaganza. Which basically translates to spending way too much time drinking coffee in the internet cafe near the hostel.

I believe I’ll never hurt as much as I did the day Mitchell died. You’re my savior. I love you baby.

I had dropped out of college. Film School to be exact. So I had moved back home with the folks.

At some point during my educational hiatus I had gone out of town, most likely to Gainesville to see a show at The Hardback.

After the weekend, I returned home to Sarasota some time in the late evening/early morning. I was fully prepared to silently make my way into my parents’ house, crawl into bed, and sleep off the weekend.

When I walked in the front door, I heard a sound in the distance I had not heard in my parents’ house before. This noise coming from the kitchen stopped me in my tracks.

I know there was no way that my parents got one, yet I distinctly heard the quiet yipe of a puppy.

There was a moment where I questioned whether or not I had wandered into the wrong house. But upon closer investigation I saw all the things that belonged there.

And in the kitchen that hadn’t changed much in years was something new.

A puppy.

I didn’t know where it came from or why it was here but I did know this : “Fuck, I have a dog now.”

It turned out he was Italian.

A gift for a friend of my sister’s from the family she stayed with while over there. A gift she couldn’t keep so he wound up orphaned in my parents’ kitchen.

I took him from the kitchen and brought him to bed with me.

I wound up naming him Mitchell after the MST3K episode of the same name

He became the most important thing in my life for 10 years.

For those just joining us I’m currently in Vancouver. Days and days behind on posting.
This is the last stop on the tour before I head back to Edmonton for The Improvaganza Tournament. To catch up, it has gone something like this
May 26 – 31 : ProjectProject Combustion Festival, Toronto.
Blind Date Jam, Cartoon showcase, Instant Theatre + Doug Dank (Alistair, Amber, and Myself), Doug Dank showcase, Video Project, late night Cartoon, 1st tourshow with Alistair (performing as Instant Theatre), late night dance party.
June 1 – 3 : Regina
Show on the 2nd with General Fools in a 300 seat theater in the round. Buckshot n Benny, Instant Theatre, General Fools. Almost sold out.
June 3: Winnipeg
2 shows – 1 jam, 1 tourshow with 2nd half jam after featuring Crumbs and Outside Joke.
June 4-6 : Calgary
Show on the 5th 1st half tourshow with 2nd half jam with The Kinkonauts.
June 6-8 : Rapid Fire Theatre, Edmonton
2 Shows – TheatreSports Friday night and tourshow Saturday night.
June 9 – 14 : Vancouver
Many many shows to come.

When we last left off, I was babbling about Winnipeg. After Winnipeg, we made the long drive to Calgary, Alberta. Lots of fields. Lots of flat. This was the most exciting thing that happened along the way.

A train.
We were still hours away when the sun set.

In Calgary, I got to stay with Louie and his parents. Who are adorable. i of course documented none of it. I did however fall for this sneaky little gag.

Our hosts, The Kinkonauts set up a show in a Dance Studio. So much room to play in.

During the show I got to slo-mo dive into a lake and I held a handstand and lowered myself onto the ground. Thanks Schreibstuck! Other show highlights include a father who spent everything on his cheerleader daughter to build her a Chalet, competing rickshaw drivers that were old kung-fu enemies, 2 highly stereotypical Italian pizza shop owners who killed a marine with a hi-li ball, and a russian cosmonaut who shot his helper monkey into space to save himself. After the show we went out and even the usually drink-free Alistair wound down with a beer.

Next stop : EDMONTON!
I spent the drive to Edmonton perfecting my gum bubble blowing skillz.

I would have bought this book, but the lack of a fish on the cover led me to believe it wasn’t a book about a Fish Cop at all.

Rather about a Rick Schroeder look-a-like that liked holding small animals.

As previously mentioned we hit the mall first.

The mall is home to a lot of hilarious things. Pirate ships obviously being one of them. As well as a Water Park, Casino, and gun Range…I wanted to shoot guns, but it was too pricey. So I decided that when I am back next week, I would gamble at the casino to make the money to go shoot guns. It was then we decided to hit the amusement park.
We eased into the adventure with a couple games of Whack-A-Mole.

Then on to the big prize. The West Ed Mall is home to the world’s ONLY indoor 3-loop roller coaster. And let me tell you it was amazing. The first drop was intense. And it only got better from there. Why has it been a decade since I have been on one of these? YWFP!!

We headed to Rapid Fire after that to do the show. That night we would be guesting on some teams in the TheatreSports show.

The next night we would be performing our usual show in Chimprov. Buckshot n Benny doing their thing and Myself and Alistair doing our thing. After Theatresports it was back to our hosts house for some late night MarioCart on the Wii.


Before the show Saturday night we met up for some Mexican. I love Canada but the two things I would miss the most if I lived here are Mexican Food and Pizza both of which are sub par up here. I did enjoy a ridiculous beverage called a Bulldog.

It’s a Frozen Margarita with an upside-down Corona in it. Which just seems more trouble than it’s worth. But the novelty was a blast.
After the show that night I reflected.

Edmonton highlights include A man who looked like Kenny Rogers befriending a sad native in the African plains ( I think it was Africa), a dove down on his luck getting life advice from a Texan eagle, an 8 year old venture capitalist becoming Barack Obama’s runinng mate and then president when Obama breaks his leg, and Russians learning Algebra.
The drive to Vancouver was as long as the drive to Calgary (11 hours) but went through the Canadian Rockies, so it was bit more beautiful.

And now here we are today. I’m sitting in Alistair’s house in Vancouver. A week full of shows lies ahead.

To Winnipeg :
After Regina, we headed East to Winnipeg. The province of Manitoba.

The drive wasn’t too bad. 5 hours I think. I managed to drift in and out of sleep in the back seat. We got to Winnipeg with about an hour or so to spare. Two shows that night. Our first show was at a church. Well, a church of sorts. It was more a community center I think. Though it did have a cross in the kitchen/storeroom.

The show was a jam with local improvisors and us. Afterwards we headed to The King’s Head Pub for a late night show upstairs.

First half was the usual on the tour. Buckshot n Benny opening with Myself and Alistair rounding out the half after. In the second half we had another jam. I got to play Stephen Hawking as an evil villain that commanded an army of goats in a buddy cop pirate movie. This is what I do with my life.