Friday night I was in the improvised Japanese game show Samurai Davis Jr. and Dim Sum’s Super Mega Happy Fun Time Improv Show. Like anything Japanese game show related it involves losing participants to have their asses handed to them in the form of some ridiculous punishment.
To prepare, I drank half a sparks and some Miller Lite.
The show opens with Treat Treat Treat Stink. the 4 players are handed boxes and you thrust your hand in them. 3 have treats. 1 has stink. I was lucky enough to get stink and I started the show with a handful of fish. Nowhere to go but up! After a close battle, we lost the first scene. Dan (my teammate) and I were handed a slip of paper. His said PANTS. Mine said DRINK. I knew then I was fucked. Out comes a bottle of clam juice. Not Clamato – pure unadulterated clam juice. half the bottle went down Dan’s pants. the other half in a glass and handed to me. Down the hatch. It wasn’t too bad, but I knew I would be paying for it later. 2nd scene. We got slaughtered. Out come the FRAT BOYS with a wooden paddle. We were bent over and WHACK! I have the welt to prove it. I think we finally pulled ahead in the final scene of the half and the opposing team was forced to eat Baby Food mixed with Wasabi.
INTERMISSION. 2nd half of sparks and some Miller Lite.
The other team lost the tossup and Amber had gravy poured over her head. We lost the 1st scene again. Nothing could phase me after the clam juice incident. But then I saw them bring out the toothbrushes and announce TARTER SAUCE TOOTHBRUSH. they proceeded to load the toothbrushes up with what looked like rotten buttermilk. It was indeed tartar sauce but it tasted like awful.It was the most awful thing I’ve eaten. Gagging and fighting through it i accomplished the torture and thought i was gonna wretch. We won the 2nd scene but again lost in the 3rd. For some reason that night I grabbed the one pair of hanes briefs I own rather than my usual boxers. I think because I know the show ccan ruin clothes so I figured I would ruin the pair of skivvies I never wear. What would follow was a new dimension of pain. Our pants were tightly taped up above the thighs to trap whatever would get poured in them. The Samurai of Doom enters with 2 buckets filled with ice and water. He pulls open our pants and pours it in. I was lucky enough again to have not only my pants pulled out but my underwear too. Because of the nature of briefs, the ice didn’t fall into the taped portion of my pants. Rather, it sat there. Freezing the hell out of my …. well, to paraphrase the nihilists in The Big Lebowski…. JOHNSON! they had wrapped the tape so tight I couldn’t shake the ice out for what felt like an eternity.
I spent all day Saturday feeling absolutely wretched as my stomach tried to deal with the clam juice and tartar sauce.

I can’t wait to do the show again.